So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
what day is it and did you see me today?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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