If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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