Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
