the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
