i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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