She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
