She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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