the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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