she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
