Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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