my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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