What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
