Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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