If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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