things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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