8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
