we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Semen is not good for contacts.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
