It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
