Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
