life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
