I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
