he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize