You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
