im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
