I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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