4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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