I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
