My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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