I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
