one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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