Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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