Cold hands, warm shart.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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