so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
