foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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