Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
