dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize