just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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