It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
