my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
