the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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