Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
