Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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