The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Your cock deserves a montage
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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