our cab driver is having phone sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
