Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
