Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
