i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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