Welp...herpes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
