Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
