the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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