i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
