you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
