I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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