I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
