After last night, I could never be a politician.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
