kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
