if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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