Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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