If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
