i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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