I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
