i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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