Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
