go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
