Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
