Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize