By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
